Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
