What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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