he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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