Its about making memories worth repressing
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
