You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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