my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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