Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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