VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just want to make out with him forever
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
