I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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