I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
