I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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