someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
