I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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