When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
