If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Randomize
