Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
