I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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