Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
