I will die if light touches me.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
