1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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