I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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