2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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