You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Houston, we have a blender
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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