What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
