I want to have your abortion
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
