She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
