Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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