If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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