I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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