epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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