Your face is a jimmy john
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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