Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
