I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you traded sex for a burrito?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
