Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
