The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
