I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
