Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize