I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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