Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Randomize
