So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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