I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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