just come out here and I will go home with you...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
