if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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