and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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