My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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