god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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