Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
