I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
