Your face is a jimmy john
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
