i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
