this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
