her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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