All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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