They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize