The best revenge is premature balding
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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