Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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