walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
