Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
