new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
