I wish my penis had an off switch
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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