So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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