Will you blow on my dice?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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