I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize