we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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